Fatherhood Not What He Expected?
If you’ve read my book Big Girl Decisions than you know that Thomas wanted kids a lot sooner than I did. He was ready and I needed about three years to wrap my head around the idea of creating a tiny human.
The day we brought Liam home from the hospital, we pulled into driveway like we had a thousand times, but somehow it was different. We exited the vehicle and stood staring at our son sleeping in his car seat. Again, mama life got real. We made our way inside and I beamed as I noticed our kitchen decorated in streamers and signs of blue. My sisters decorated our kitchen with a warm, baby boy welcome. I quickly hunkered down in my favorite prenatal spot on the couch and snuggled Liam close to me.
While I was resting comfortably on the couch, Thomas could not sit still. The energy of his busyness was freaking me out. He was cleaning everything. I lay there on the couch while he was running around like a mad man. When I asked him what he was doing, he said, “I’m cleaning. This house needs to be clean. It needs to be perfect.”
Thomas was anxious that day. I had never seen this man have an ounce of anxiety. He had wanted kids for so long, but now that he had one, he was freaking out. This was exactly what I was afraid of happening. I was losing my husband to insanity. Months later he told me that in that moment of having Liam home, he was feeling this pressure to make everything perfect, to be perfect. It was nice to see that he wanted to be a certain kind of father. All the pressure and expectations I had put on myself; he had put on himself as well. I wished I had expressed my motherhood anxiety to him sooner. We could have bonded over our fear of not being the perfect parents and essentially messing up our kids. I wish we had a handbook on how to raise our children and how to be the type of parents we can be proud of. Thomas and I didn’t know anything. We hadn’t read any books or taken any classes. We were living on a dream and a strong, faithful, please-don’t-mess-up-our-tiny-human prayer.
Now that both our boys are bigger, four and two and a half, Thomas has calmed down a bit. I think for him in the beginning infant stage, the lack of communication was difficult. Babies can’t tell you when there tummy hurts or they are hungry. Our boys can now express their needs, wants and desires. I believe that vocal ability has made Thomas feel like more confident in his ability to provide for our boys. I watch Thomas with them and am so happy to see him settle into fatherhood.
He has settled in so much that he has started a podcast about fatherhood, Carseats and Coffee. I love hearing about his outlook and experience of becoming a father. He also interviews other dads who tell their fun, emotional, and entertaining take on their role as a father.
I have always been proud to call Thomas my husband and now I am equally proud to call him the father of our children. Because he is one kick ass dad.